Forgot All About This!
I completely forgot I had this blog! Wow--seems interesting.
I remember I still felt spunky back then---thought I understood life and I kind of did as far as the external world was concerned--but not quite. I had a pretty good job has been married for 25 years and within a few years I lost everything. I had been living a lie.
What was the lie? The lie was that I had allowed myself to be deceived by my wife and myself--our relationship was on the surface adequate but inside it was rotting and I did not see it because I wanted to believe I had a fairly "normal" if pleasantly bohemian and "spiritual" marriage and family. It was all bullshit. In my desire to settle for a stable life I lost my edge. Yes, I had done some nice art work, composed some good music and raised a family somehow, often with finances right on the edge but still I had three grown children and one teen. I felt good I had accomplished something and I did not see the log in my own eye as I was staring at motes in the eyes of others. Yes, I had helped maintain a family with my ex-wife but it was built on sand and I did not know it or understand it--I believed what I wanted to believe and ignored obvious signs. Above all, I believed that there was such a thing as integrity and morality that people tend to gravitate towards--this is not true at this time either in personal, family, business, political relationships. You can trust nothing and no one unless you carefully examine who they are and what they want with clear eyes. Many people have learned it and I was devastated to find that out around the time I turned 60 and believed I would age within the bosom of my family. We Americans have a tendency to live in fantasies and I fit the bill perfectly.
Sometimes it is useful to have the floor drop out from under you. Between the years 2007 and 2013 that pretty much happened in every department of my life, divorce, death, loss, rootlessness, losing all my money and so on--everything that, on the surface you'd have to classify as tragic happened to me including a loss of health and vitality. I moved through all my toxicity and demons and have come out of it a much sadder but more aware and loving person as a result. It forced me to live more in the now than I had before and even now I'm not out of the woods. My life is new, I have a new wife who is showing me, despite my strong resistance what love is and what I never had both because I never had it and because I had cut myself off of love, as far as another human is concerned, though I had had more than a few visions of divine love I didn't think a human love was possible.
I have spent a lifetime falling off of cliffs like the Fool in the Tarot--somehow I was sustained for what reason I am not sure. I still am unable to fully engage in the world in a creative way because my confidence was taken out and shot a few years ago but occasionally comes to life when it's needed particularly when it's time to help others.
I remember I still felt spunky back then---thought I understood life and I kind of did as far as the external world was concerned--but not quite. I had a pretty good job has been married for 25 years and within a few years I lost everything. I had been living a lie.
What was the lie? The lie was that I had allowed myself to be deceived by my wife and myself--our relationship was on the surface adequate but inside it was rotting and I did not see it because I wanted to believe I had a fairly "normal" if pleasantly bohemian and "spiritual" marriage and family. It was all bullshit. In my desire to settle for a stable life I lost my edge. Yes, I had done some nice art work, composed some good music and raised a family somehow, often with finances right on the edge but still I had three grown children and one teen. I felt good I had accomplished something and I did not see the log in my own eye as I was staring at motes in the eyes of others. Yes, I had helped maintain a family with my ex-wife but it was built on sand and I did not know it or understand it--I believed what I wanted to believe and ignored obvious signs. Above all, I believed that there was such a thing as integrity and morality that people tend to gravitate towards--this is not true at this time either in personal, family, business, political relationships. You can trust nothing and no one unless you carefully examine who they are and what they want with clear eyes. Many people have learned it and I was devastated to find that out around the time I turned 60 and believed I would age within the bosom of my family. We Americans have a tendency to live in fantasies and I fit the bill perfectly.
Sometimes it is useful to have the floor drop out from under you. Between the years 2007 and 2013 that pretty much happened in every department of my life, divorce, death, loss, rootlessness, losing all my money and so on--everything that, on the surface you'd have to classify as tragic happened to me including a loss of health and vitality. I moved through all my toxicity and demons and have come out of it a much sadder but more aware and loving person as a result. It forced me to live more in the now than I had before and even now I'm not out of the woods. My life is new, I have a new wife who is showing me, despite my strong resistance what love is and what I never had both because I never had it and because I had cut myself off of love, as far as another human is concerned, though I had had more than a few visions of divine love I didn't think a human love was possible.
I have spent a lifetime falling off of cliffs like the Fool in the Tarot--somehow I was sustained for what reason I am not sure. I still am unable to fully engage in the world in a creative way because my confidence was taken out and shot a few years ago but occasionally comes to life when it's needed particularly when it's time to help others.
posted by Christopher | 1:55 PM
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